My Mom?s addiction hurt me, but my foster mother helped us reconnect
by Karen Haynesworth / published in Arise?
When I was little I would sit in my room and wonder why my life was not like other children?s. I would see kids with their parents, doing things that my mother would not do with me, like going to the park and shopping I would feel sad. My mother would just come and go.
I often asked my grandma, ?Where is Mom?? She would not answer me. Then one day my grandmother told me, ?Your mother takes drugs.?
I didn?t know what to say.
She continued, ?I?m tired of not saying nothing. You were going to find out someday.?
I felt that my mother didn?t want me as much as she wanted her drugs. If she did, she woild not be spending more time with them than me.
My First Foster Home?
Soon my mother?s addiction got worse. Every night she came home high or drunk and I could tell. She would stutter her words and be hard to understand. Then, when I was 9, my grandmother was no longer able to take care of me, so the city decided to put me in a foster home.
The foster parents treated me terribly. They hit me for no reason and their children bit and kicked me. They also said I was going to be nothing, just like my mother, and that that?s why I was in every other home but hers.
Eventually I was moved, but most of the places I was moved to weren?t a whole lot better. For many years I suffered physical and mental abuse from foster parents, and for many years I missed my family.
Special Visits
I saw my mother, grandmother and siblings every two weeks. During visits with my family, I wouldn?t tell them what was happening. I thought I?d get in trouble if I did.
I was always excited to see my mother, especially. Whenever my mother was around, something in my heart felt complete. My mother never missed a visit and she always said she loved me no matter what.? She?d get to the agency first to surprise me and bring me lots of toys and gifts. When it was my birthday, she decorated the room with balloons and I had a big cake.
But when I was 11, she stopped coming. Later I found out that she hadn?t been attending her court dates and she lost her rights to see me. But at the time I did not understand what was wrong. All I knew was that my mother stopped coming. This was the hardest time for me.
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My Cousin Helped Me Out
Finally, when I was a teenager, I moved in with my cousin Michelle. Living with her felt so good. My cousin let me know I was safe.
At first, I would put my arm around my plate so no one would take my food from me. At some foster homes they would take my food away before I was finished. I would also stay long periods of time in my room by myself. I would sit alone and think mainly about my mother.
My cousin helped me overcome these problems by moving my hand from around my plate, saying, ?You can eat as much as you want here.? She would take me with her to the store and spend time with me so I wouldn?t feel alone. I gradually became more open and more able to trust people.
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Seeing My Mom Again
Even though the agency did not allow me visits with my mother, Michelle allowed me to have a relationship with my mother. She thought it was important for my mother to get to know me and for me to know her.
When my mother first came to my cousin?s apartment, I felt so happy. I gave her the?biggest hug and kiss. It was like part of my heart was still cut, but when I saw her it healed.
As we spent more time together, I started to tell my mother about what I had been through. She said, ?I am sorry you had to go through this.?
We also talked about her problem. I learned that what started her on drugs was that some of my brothers died in a fire before I was born. She couldn?t take the pain and turned to drugs.
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A Second Chance
My mother admitted that she had a problem with drugs and that she struggled to get clean. I respected her for saying that. Some people who are addicted to drugs won?t admit it?s a problem. Some won?t own up to how their problem has hurt their children. My mother did both.
Somehow I have managed to not hold?a grudge against her for not being able to raise me, maybe because she seems truly apologetic and because I understand that she was in pain.
With Michelle?s support my mother and I now have a good relationship and it?s still growing. I know I am not going to live with my mother again, but I am happy to have a relationship with her. We see each other every weekend. I believe God has given our family a chance.
Denise Goodman, a consultant to the Annie E. Casey Foundation?s Family to Family initiative works with public and private child welfare agencies nationwide to support parents and foster parents in working corroboratively.
Q. What are the benefits of positive connections between parents and foster parents?
A. I?ve seen that when parents and foster parents work together, kids go home more quickly and stay home. Kids in foster care also get better care when the parent and foster parent exchange information about the child and work together to make visits positive. Kids also feel less worried about their families. Many kids are worried about loyalty ? if they like the foster parent, does that mean they can?t like their parent anymore? They feel better if they see the foster parent and parent getting along.
Reunification is easier for the child if the relationship with the foster parent doesn?t end, even if contact with the foster parent is just a birthday or Christmas care, a phone call, or occasional stopping by. The foster parent can become an ongoing support to the parent after reunification, someone who is an expert about their child. When things are tough and the kid is acting goofy, the parent can call and say, ?What do I do?? Foster parent is able to? say, ?This worked for me.? That can help prevent the child from re-entering foster care.
For the social worker, it can make a case easier if the parents and foster parents click. Being a social worker can be a grueling, difficult job, with everybody making demands and neither parent wanting you in their lives. Good relationships are booster shots that keep you going.
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Q. What are the challenges of building positive connections?
A. Lot of time when you say to families and staff, ?We want the foster parents to work with the parents?, they freak out. They have a lot of fears.
The care-giving family may be concerned that they won?t be able to keep the child safe. They worry that the parent will show up uninvited or will be jealous or upset that their child is not at home. They worry that they won?t get along because they don?t have the same parenting style.
Parents have their own fears and stereotypes. They are worried that the foster parent will look down on them or that their child will like the foster parent better than them. Sometimes it?s even harder to get along when it?s a kinship placement because of family politics.
I find it?s a harder sell for staff than for families, though. Staff are concerned that they?ll have more problems to deal with. It?s true that it?s not always perfect dealing with real people?s concerns and fears. But the reality is that many caregivers and parents are already doing this behind the agency?s back. They live in the same neighborhood and run into each other at Wal-Mart or at court and work through the awkwardness on their own.
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Q. How can parents and foster parents build connections?
A. I talk about a concept I call ?the bridge? ?you can agree together about where you need to be on that bridge and move forward in baby steps to cross it. You don?t have to start with face-to-face meetings. There are a lot of ways to have contact: exchanging notes about the child, talking on the phone, or attending school meetings or doctor visits where the parent can provide useful information about the child.
When you both naturally feel ready to move to the next level, you can begin meeting in neutral territory. Once you get past the awkwardness and everyone feels comfortable, the foster parent can take the child to the parent?s home for visits, or let the parent come to her home. These steps are case-by-case, moment-to-moment decisions made in partnership with the social worker, parent and foster parent.
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Q. How can the child welfare agency help?
A. The system has to value the relationship. Staff? and caregivers have to be trained to understand, ?This is our practice and expectation.? It helps if foster parent recruitment makes the expectation clear. If you have a recruitment campaign that basically says, ?Rescue children from their abusive parents,? you?re going to have a harder time than if it says, ?Help children and their families.?
It also helps if you have strong parent advocacy and parent advocates, so that parents are supported in being active participants in their lives and cases, not just told, ?Here?s your case plan, just do it.?
You need structures in place, like an ?icebreaker? meeting soon after placement where the parent and foster parent meet and talk about what the foster parent needs to know to take care of the child. The foster parent can ask about the child?s favorite foods or activities. The foster parent may say, ?Johnny keeps asking me why he?s in foster care. How can we handle that??
Parents and foster parents can talk about how to have good visits. Would the parent like to bring the child a snack? Would the parent like to do the child?s hair? Can they talk before the visit so that the parent can ask about the child?s activities, like, ?I heard you went to the zoo. Tell me about that.? They can discuss how to end visits in a positive way. The more you can talk and agree up front, the smoother things will go.
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I began to soften because I love children but my two kids are grown. I have had three children placed with me. They are siblings, a girl and two boys. I didn?t think I?d adopt any children, but after these children were with me for six years, I was asked to adopt them and I did.
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Their mother lost her children to foster care because of neglect ? she had mental health issues and was in an abusive relationship. The father was abusive to the mother and to the children , too.
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This Is Your Mother??
At first their mother and I didn?t hit it off. She doesn?t seem to know how to be a mother to her children. We would go for visits and she would not play with her children. She would just sit there and watch. I?d say, ?This is Mommy,? but she would not respond to them.
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At times, the father would come to the visits, too, and he was very scary. Once the mother and father were arguing and the little boy went under the table to hide. Another time, the father got so out of control that the agency had to call security, and they hurried the children and me out the back door and sent us home in a cab. We were all scared.
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One Thanksgiving I invited the mom over. At one point, the little boy went to her plate and tried to take some food ? you know how little kids will just eat off someone else?s plate. She took her fork and stuck him. I had to tell her, ?I don?t think you should have done that.? I asked her to leave and I reported it to the agency. I was
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very concerned.
Trying to Be Supportive
Despite these situations,? she and I got a little closer. I would never criticize her in the presence of the kids. I would tell her to call me and I would say to her on the phone, ?If you want your kids back, you?ve got to work with me. I would really like you to fight hard to get yourself together. Have confidence. Gain your control back.? I would talk to her like a daughter. She told me I was like a mother or grandmother to her.
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But at times, I was angry that she did not protect her children. The oldest boy had a mark on his nose, and he would always say, ?You see this mark on my nose? My daddy slammed my face into the table because I was crying.?
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I once asked her about that. ?What did you say when the police came?? I asked. ?I covered for him,? she said.
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?Well, then you?re just as wicked as he is. That can affect your child for the rest of his life. You can?t put your man above your child.?
Scary Moments
The children have been affected by everything they?ve gone through. They have ADHD and behavior problems. They can be violent. One of the boys tore the head off of a doll. He tole me, ?This is how Daddy hit Mommy.?
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The girl is very difficult. She won?t stay in class. She fights, screams and curses. When she started talking to a great therapist, she hit the therapist. She told the therapist, ?I wish I had a gun. I would shoot everyone!? The police had to come and take her to the hospital. Tears came to my eyes when I saw her like this. I had never seen her so bad before.
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I?m working with everybody trying to help these kids. Now, with the therapy, I think the kids are stabilizing a little bit.
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Confusing and Sad
Four months ago, the mother called. I think she was high. She was telling me, ?You know, you?re like a mother to me. I would like us to goout and have dinner together and take a family portrait. I bought the children some things for Christmas.?
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She?d had another baby, and I told her, ?I will give you baby clothes.? I made a bag of clothes for her. I told the kids we would see their mother on Friday, but I haven?t heard from her for four months.
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The kids are confused. They say, ?She promised to bring us presents for Christmas!?
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?Oh, she?ll bring them,? says the littlest one.
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?Whenever she gets the time.? I tell them. What can I say? It?s very sad.
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A Family Connection
I keep my children connected to their family. Their aunt always keeps her word. The children look forward to going to church with her, and she invites us to the house to spend time with the rest of the family.
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But I don?t want their mother to come back into their lives again right now. I want their lives to become more stable for a little while. If she calls, I will tell her, ?Make sure you know what you want to do. I am not going to tell them we?ll see you Friday if we won?t hear from you for months. If you want to be in their lives, you have to follow through.?
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Source: http://www.tffa.org/2012/10/13/a-second-chance/
joseph kony 2012 arian foster dennis kucinich apple ipad kony kony 2012 jim irsay
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